


The Come Down

by LARunaway



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, CEO Lexa (The 100), Clarke might've killed someone, Clexa Endgame, College AU, F/F, F/M, Fine Stud Lexa, Lexa is a player, Med Student Clarke, Past Relationship(s), lexa saves clarke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-09-14 07:42:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16908948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LARunaway/pseuds/LARunaway
Summary: “She makes you feel needed. She needs you. But, it’s all just an act. She’s very manipulative that way...” He pauses with a sarcastic chuckle, a shake of his head with a smile that is anything, but happy...orThe one where Clarke keeps pulling Lexa in only to push her away and Lexa can't get enough.





	1. Pretty Addiction

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any errors. A quick type of a story concept I couldn't shake.

_She’s a killer._  
_Can’t commit to love_  
_So she just plays around_  
_with all these silly boys_  
_and their fragile hearts_  
_till she gets bored  
_ _N' tosses them aside._

 

_It’s on to the next._  
_She gets so bored._  
_Or not bored_  
_But the pain starts to shine back through  
_ _She needs something stronger._

 

_Let’s try girls._  
_This one’s pretty._  
_She’s got a nice smile  
_ _and pretty brown eyes._

 

_It’s new_  
_It’s exciting._  
_It feels good with the_  
_tip of a red cup  
_ _and the smoking breaths._

 

_On to the next._  
_She’s sneaky_  
_Visiting her mom_  
_Her mom is a surgeon_  
_A guilt filled smile_  
_She spends too much time  
_ _away from home_

 

_But she has to go_  
_Her patients need her_  
_A kiss on the forehead_  
_Her daughter nods_  
_with a smile and says  
_ _“Go. I love you.”_

 

_She saunters off_  
_Finding an orderly_  
_He smiles and likes_  
_the way her golden hair  
_ _twirls around her finger_

 

_Her smile_  
_Her touch_  
_She swipes his badge  
_ _And it’s off to the back_

 

_Locked up pills_  
_She gives no thought_  
_to who it kills  
_ _Just what it kills_

 

_Her pain fades away_  
_She slips the plastic back_  
_with a pat and “Goodbye!”_  
_Don’t forget to smile_  
_And she’s driving off_  
_to the boy she knows  
_ _He knows._

 

_It goes on and on._  
_He says “I love you”_  
_between the sheets  
_ _and heated limbs_

 

_And she always laughs_  
_like a silly joke was told_  
_Dilated eyes_  
_and searching hands_  
_with ties to the_  
_substances that’ll  
_ _make it all right_

 

_‘Cause nothings been right_  
_Since that cold dark night_  
_When her hands turned red  
_ _and her best friend laid dead_

 

_She’s a killer._  
_And nothing seems to fill her_  
_A wandering ghost  
_ _That everyone wants to keep close_

__  
_But she can’t commit_  
_Nightly pills and swapped spit  
_ _She wonders if she’ll ever fi-_

 

“You’re new,” darkened green eyes shine above full pink lips.

 

And Clarke smiles back at the girl, ignoring the incorrect assumption, “And you’re bold.”

 

The girl with chestnut hair smiles wider before sipping from her red cup, “Is it so bold to start a conversation with a pretty blonde?”

 

“Maybe not. Maybe with me, specifically, it is,” blue eyes make a point to eye the subtly audience they’ve gained.

Green eyes take notice and her jaw shifts, “Maybe it’s my reputation that’s ‘caused curiosity or is there a rep you carry that I should be aware of?”

 

Clarke tilts her head as she eyes the girl. She likes her. A strong demeanor. Confident, yet, she seems kind. Or maybe not, since she’s mentioned a following reputation, but what could be a better match. “How about tonight... I won’t show you mine if you don’t show me your’s?” The brunette perks a brow in question as the blonde continues, “Care to spend the night with someone who knows nothing about you? ‘Cause I could use that right now.”

Clarke downs the rest of her drink and holds out her hand. Green eyes stay locked with unwavering blue. Tan fingers slide into a lighter palm before it grabs ahold. The blonde smiles with a glint in her eye before she leads the two off, grabbing a bottle of Jack D. off the kitchen island before exiting the frat house.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Clarke Griffin,” she smiles brightly._

 

_“Lexa Woods,” a smirk._

 

“Lexa, what do you propose?”

 

The cigar worn voice pulls her from her thoughts. A stoic face remains under twelve pairs of eyes. Her demeanor is calm. Strong. Scary, intimidating even to a grown man. Forest green eyes shift down towards the table in thought. She can practically feel her father vibrate next to her in his chair.

 

“A merger will only strengthen us in the long run. I propose we move ahead.”

 

“Very well,” Her father is more than happy to continue on with scheduling the merger and dismisses the meeting, everyone leaving aside from his daughter. “I must say, Lexa, your turn around is impressive. Less than a month and you will be head of Woods Industries. I know this isn’t what you wanted,” Lexa has to suppress an eye roll, “But, you were _born_ for this, Lexa.”

 

“Are we done? I have finals to prep for.”

 

Her father sighs heavily with surpressed  frustration for a battle he’s given up long ago. He’s never understood Lexa’s need for a degree - not just a degree, but a masters - but it’s one contingency he’s willing to give, since Lexa’s regained control of her behavior and public promiscuity. _Lexa Woods, daughter of Mr. Woods Industries, always seems to be caught up in girls and women in the most sinful manner...._ Those days are over - at least, as far as the media is concerned. That’s all that matters. _Public image._

 

“You’re excused.”

 

She leaves without a second look. She slips off her blazer, tossing it in the back of her overly-excessively-flashy car that her father replaced her street bike with. Next she pulls out a side of her tucked in white button up and then deems herself sociably acceptable. She tugs the soft strap of her worn, leather backpack, over her shoulder as she enters the coffee shop across from the university. It’s not even eight in the morning, yet, which means she actually gets to see her cousins and friends before class today. She orders coffee and takes her usual seat, at her usual table, just as Anya, her cousin, enters with a play fighting Luna and Murphy. 

 

Luna teases the boy in a headlock until they all notice Lexa’s presence. 

“Lexa Woods, as I live and breathe,” Luna smirks as the trio join her in sitting with coffee.

 

“Satan finally let you crawl out and play?” Murphy drawls out and Lexa has to laugh.

 

“My take over has him in a better mood these days.”

 

The sentence is bitter and they all feel it. Luckily, Lincoln,  Anya’s brother, walks in a second later with his girlfriend Octavia.

 

“Lexa! You’re here,” he smiles as he grabs a chair for Octavia.

 

“I thought I’d never see you again,” she adds.

 

“Yes, nice to see you too, Octavia.”

 

Luna decides to start off a conversation that won’t end in the looming future of Lexa’s birth right, “Hey, what happened at the party the other night? You disappeared. Run off with some girl?” 

 

“Won’t father be so proud for the Commander’s return,” her cousin smirks.

 

Lexa rolls her eyes with a shake of her head, “It wasn’t like that.”

 

“Sure,” the grungy boy tosses, knowingly, and everyone laughs.

 

“She’s different. I’ve never seen her before, but I guess other people knew her. Doesn’t matter. We just spent the night talking and...it was nice talking to someone who didn’t know me and I didn’t know them,” she finishes with a shrug and a sip of her coffee.

 

“So...did you get this mysterious girl’s name or are we just left to suffer in wonderment of who could have possibly captivated the Commander as so?” Luna gestures with a wave of her hand in front of Lexa’s face, who just pushes her hand away.

 

And Lexa was going to answer - about to answer - but Octavia’s phone rang and then she said she had to go. Her friends were waiting out front and one of them she hasn’t seen in ‘forever’, but they’re  all childhood friends and point being...she had to leave. Lincoln kissed her goodbye and then all waved away as the dark haired girl walked out.

 

“So. Mystery girl. Name. What is it?” Her cousin taps on.

 

Again, Lexa was going to answer, but she glanced up, just beyond her Lincoln and Luna, outside the shop. Octavia let out a muffled faint squeal as she ran into the arms of a blonde. She smiled hard with strong arms wrapped around the other, waddling around the pavement near a laughing brunette. But, the blonde. They turned and the two broke away. A hand tucking golden locks behind an ear. 

 

_Clarke._

 

“Clarke?” Murphy tilts his head with a frown then notices the green eyed gaze.

 

The group turns towards her line of sight to see the trio of girls.

 

“She’s pretty,” Luna mumbles, lost in thought and Anya mindlessly nods in agreement, though their comments are not about the blonde.

 

“Who’s Clarke?” Lincoln looks on at his cousin for an answer.

 

Murphy turns back around with a stern look, “Clarke Griffin? You spent the night with Clarke Griffin?”

 

The two girls snap back to Murphy’s raising voice. Luna frowns, “Who’s Clarke and why’re you getting so worked up.”

 

“You know Clarke?” Lexa questions.

 

“Yes and whatever you have with her, you should end it. I didn’t even know she was back.”

 

“Where the hell do you get off telling her what to do?” The dirty blonde growls out.

 

“Anya.”

 

“Look, I like you, Lexa, and I know you’re usually the player breaking hearts or whatever-“

 

“I don’t _PLAY_ anyone-“

 

_Liar._

 

“She will destroy you.” The table falls silent under his serious tone. “She’s bad news. Even for you.” With that he gets up and leaves the shop. 

 

The group watches as the trio of girls notice his presence. Clarke and Murphy smile at each other before she pulls him into a soft hug.

 

“What the fuck?” her friend all, but yells out at the sight.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s not until Octavia has a party at a spacious loft, does Lexa learn just how deep everyone’s love for Clarke goes. She’s somewhat of an enigma - the life of the party. The girl that everyone loves and is friends with. And the one that has the deepest love, Lexa learns it’s none other than Octavia’s brother, Bellamy. She watches as they sneak in subtle touches and warm glances at one another between conversation, laughter, and drinking games. But, Lexa see’s how Clarke always is subtly putting space between her and him. Keeping him close, but just out of reach. Blue eyes keep wandering towards green.

 

Lexa is curious. Another girl is touching her, giving her signs that she wants to move to a private bedroom, but Lexa just can’t give in - not with sapphire burning into her. She heads off towards the quiet balcony. Her body aches for a smoke, but she quit. She doesn’t do that now - even though she’s a smoker on other days - today she’s not a smoker. 

 

“Who knew we had so many friends in common,” the blonde slides the door shut behind her before leaning on the railing next to Lexa.

 

“Who knew....”

 

“Parties really aren’t your scene, are they?”

 

The future CEO chuckles at that, “I could say the same for you since we both keep running away from them together.”

 

“Clarke smiles, “Touché.”

 

A moment passes.

 

“What’re you studying? I never see you around campus.”

 

Clarke just eyes her with a smile, “Because I’m not studying on campus. I’m finishing up my residency at Polis Hospital.”

 

Green eyes widen, “Aren’t you a little young to be a resident?”

 

“Yeah, but I finished high school early and all that. It helps when your mom is already a top surgeon.”

 

Lexa just hums in response... “I guess you showed me your’s so I should show you mine?”

 

Clarke laughs at their inside joke, “No. I don’t want to know _anything_ about you” Lexa frowns and in hindsight she should’ve took that as a sign, “I rather do something else.”

 

Lexa parts her lips to question, but Clarke is quick to close the space between them with her lips pressed to her’s. The kiss isn’t harsh, but it’s filled with lust that pulls the green eyed girl in all too fast. True to her player name ‘Commander’ Lexa takes command, pushing Clarke against the railing with strong hands on her hips and swipe of her tongue on a bottom lip. Clarke opens up and easily submits into the kiss....and then she pushes the brunette away - just enough to break the kiss.

 

Clarke just smiles with a knowing look before brushing past the girl and heading back into the loft. And that’s the first hit of the drug known as Clarke Griffin. The first _REAL_ taste of the blonde and she wants more. She can feel herself slipping back into her player ways. _Play it right to get what you want._ What a challenge Clarke Griffin would be. 

 

Lexa heads in to grab a drink, joining Octavia, Raven - the second childhood friend of Octavia, and Lincoln in conversation. Raven is witty, sassy, and honestly, hilarious ,as far as Lexa is concerned. She was the group laughing in a matter of minutes, till a shout draws their attention. Bellamy speaks lowly with heated words towards Clarke before the frustrated blonde pulls him off into a bedroom, shutting the door. 

 

“God, does he ever give up,” O rolls her eyes.

 

“Are they dating?” an honest question.

 

“Yeah, he wishes,” the Latina laughs.

 

“Clarke doesn’t do relationships and my idiot brother knows this, but he _SWEARS_ she’s in love with him. It’s definitely just one sided. And I love Clarke, but I wish she’d just give him up already so he could move on.”

 

“Too true,” Raven nods on.

 

Lexa doesn’t respond. Clarke never reappears that night. 

 

* * *

 

Lexa doesn’t socialize too much for the next week. Instead, she spends most of her time locked up in her own city loft, studying for her finals...till she gets a call.

 

“Take a break for the night. Soon you won’t even get to do that,” Lincoln’s voice pleads through the phone.

 

“The opposite, actually. I’ll be the boss, so I’ll take a break whenever I please.”

 

Lincoln snorts at that, “We both know how much of a workaholic you can be, Lexa. Clarke is here.”

 

That’s piqued her interest, “Clarke.”

 

“Yeah. Actually, she asked about you specifically-,”

 

Suddenly a girl’s voice cuts through the phone, “Yeah and I rather you than my brother. At least, I’m confident you won’t fall victim to the Griffin charm.”

 

Lexa smiles when she hears a familiar voice - Clarke - yell at Octavia in the background.

 

“Okay. I’ll be right over.”

 

And when the door opens she’s met with a startling hug from the blonde and laughs. She’s also shocked when she sees Anya sitting too close to be innocent next to Raven on couch. They all say their ‘hey’s and Lexa is led by Clarke onto the ground, which is littered with pillows and blankets. At some point, everyone is coupled off and Lexa realizes that the loft is shared between the trio of girls when Clarke pulls Lexa into her own room.

 

Maybe Lexa should worry about how fast their moving - usually she does the moving not the other way around - but it feels nice to be around someone who moves just as fast as you do. So Lexa let’s her shirt be tugged off....along with the rest of her clothes - eventually. 

 

The second hit. And what a high it is. Clarke Griffin surges through her bloodstream, buried deep within her. The high hits hard and fast and Lexa never wants to come down. Her fingers dig hard into clean skin, pulling out moans and shouts of her name. Lexa’s swimming and the come down has her shaking, reveling in ecstasy. Clarke knows what she’s doing, like _REALLY_ knows what she’s doing, and Lexa swears she was made for her. A designer drug, yes. 

 

She’s starting to get it. Why everyone loves her, is hooked on her. Like high school when everyone talked about Mary and then when Lexa had her first hit, she got it. When Lexa started getting thrusted into the public eye, being swept off to clubs, and seduced by suits and dressed up sex; when they told her about Snow White. The first line was one thing, but the second line was it. She got it. 

 

Now it was just Clarke. Clarke the young surgeon to be. Clarke with the sapphire eyes. Clarke the designer drug, that clawed at her back, moaned out her name, and arched her body tightly into her’s. Clarke the drug. It’s new. It’s exciting. It’s....familiar....

 

Another shout and Clarke’s body melts back into the mattress. Lexa pulls back a bit with a surging feeling. _Familiarity._ The same, but not the same. No, it’s very different. Clarke is different, so she pushes is back when green locks with blue, nearly black due to the darkness and arousal. 

 

“Fuck...” the blonde breathes out as Lexa rolls off the girl to lay beside her.

 

“Yeah...” She smiles when Clarke rolls on her side to pull her back into a kiss. 

 

And Lexa doesn’t think much when she wakes - barely at sunrise - and Clarke is already gone. She already assumes she’s at the hospital. It makes sense and even if it weren’t the case, Lexa really should have left last night - ‘cause this isn’t a relationship and it never will be.

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa doesn’t see Clarke again till after finals, after she’s finally got her Master’s degree in hand and her cousins throw her a party - along with it being the end of the school year. Clarke likes to be hands-y when no one is looking; setting heated trails along tan skin till Lexa finally feels like she’s being burned from the inside out and has to pull Clarke off to her bedroom. This time Clarke takes control, roughly shoving Lexa against the door and locking lips. It’s something Lexa’s never experience before.

 

Sure there’s been the occasional ‘high and confident’ girl, but never like this. Clarke’s actions are made with the utmost conviction and that...is the highest high Lexa has ever felt. Her body craves, begs for the command of Clarke. A strong hand slides along the column of her neck, resting just under her sharp jaw, green meeting fiery blue. Lexa is panting with need as Clarke presses her body firmly into her’s. A slide of a hand between bodies and soon Lexa is tilting her head back with a strangled grunt as Clarke enters her bloodstream once more.

 

Lexa gets high off of Clarke twice before the blonde leaves her on the floor in a panting mess. The come down this time...is painful. She feels empty and slightly off  like...a piece of her is missing...and then everything clicks into place. The familiarity of everything. Lexa knows. And Lexa hates it. Because she really loves it. Relapse is a bitch and she knows, she knows, she knows. 

 

_Don’t do it. You always do it and it’s never worth it._

 

But Clarke is new and exciting and...different.

 

Lexa gathers herself and heads back out into the party. Her eyes always find blue ones across the room, through out the night.

 

“Stop staring...” a drawn out voice catches her off guard.  Murphy smirks as he sips his drink.

 

Lexa just shakes her head.

 

“I told you to stay away.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I think you already know... She got to you right?” When Lexa doesn’t answer he just chuckles, “Yeah, that’s Princess for ya.”

 

A scoff, “If she’s so bad why’re you her friend?” 

 

“‘Cause she’s human. Look, Clarke is great. Honestly, she’s one of the best I’ve ever met, but she’s fucked up. Like _really_ fucked. She was gone for a reason and I’m glad she’s back, but it doesn’t mean I like seeing her take down people with her. I will admit she seems better lately. She hasn’t been with Bell for a few weeks and I guess now I know why... Just be careful.”

 

A beat.

 

“Where’d she go...”

 

Murphy stiffens, “That’s not- not really my place to tell. You’ll have to ask Clarke yourself.”

 

He walks off after that. Lexa watches as the blonde laughs with her friends and then playfully flirts with Raven, who plays along. Her gaze shifts over to the corner, Bellamy’s leaning against the wall, cup in hand, with a scowl on his face as Miller talks to him. He must feel Lexa’s eyes on him ‘cause a breath later his eyes move from Clarke and lock with her own. She looks away quickly and walks off to find Anya.

 

When the party finally ends, Lexa helps her cousins clean up before heading into her bedroom. She’s surprised to see her quickly growing addiction sitting on her bed with a smile.

 

“Clarke.”

 

“Hey,” her voice rasps, “is this okay?”

 

She nods.

 

Clarke perks a brow in amusement, “You just gonna stand there?”

 

“Maybe... Where were you?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Murphy and Octavia mentioned how you were gone and now...you’re back. Where’d you go... Why’d you leave?”

 

Clarke’s face drops into something Lexa’s never seen on the girl before - except maybe when she was arguing with Bell - and suddenly she regrets her questioning. Sudden fear of Clarke disappearing fills her up and she hates how needy it feels. Desperate. It’s not a feeling she feels often, if ever at all....

 

“Lexa...”

 

“You don’t have to tell me. I was just wondering,” she aims for a careless voice with a wave of her hand, but blue eyes stay studying on her and Lexa feels very naked, mentally.

 

“Things happen. I needed to deal with them on my own. Now I’m back.”

 

“Understandable.”

 

“Can we just enjoy tonight?” The blonde holds out a hand.

 

“Yeah,” and Lexa lets her pull her onto the bed.

 

Lexa loses count of how many times she gets high off of Clarke, but she’s sure she nearly overdosed. She says nearly overdosed only ‘cause a certain nagging realization kept her from completely falling into her high all night. Clarke never let Lexa touch her that night. Each time she would try, Clarke would take back command. Lexa was truly weak for Clarke. _Weak. Weak. It’s weakness._ Her father’s words rang through her head as she became consumed in the empty feeling she was left with again. Clarke left just before Lexa found sleep. Another piece of Lexa, stolen. Taken. Ripped right from her chest. She listened as the blonde walked off with it. 

 

And Lexa knows she should stop. This is the time to stop. Control was taken from her and she willingly gave it up. Barely even a fight. And that’s the problem with addiction, right. You don’t even know you have a problem till you’re already hooked. Lexa promises to stop.

 

* * *

 

It’s been a month since Lexa took over her father’s company, the most powerful company in the country, if not, the world. A month since her face started littering the covers of every magazine and media outlet. A month since Clarke started sneaking into her office and coming by her loft late at night to give Lexa a fix; a fix that she never asked for. Clarke was like the first self-delivery drug. And Lexa really was a full fledge addict. Her body trembled and ached beneath the blonde like a true junkie. Anxious fingers tapped away durning work hours with the thought of when her next fix would be.

 

Who the hell was she? This was not Lexa Woods. Lexa Woods made girls pine after her, call/ text her relentlessly. Lexa Woods made girls shamelessly flirt and throw themselves at her, publicly....but not Clarke. No...

 

Clarke Griffin was different. Clarke Griffin was tongue deep in Lexa’s core in the middle of the night in her own bed.

 

“Fuck! C-Clarke...” Her teeth clenched as her high crashed into her; hard. 

 

Her back arched painfully high off the bed with a straining neck and strangled groan between clenched teeth. Skilled hands slide up naked sides of her body, soothing her muscles on the come down. The blonde moves over her trailing kisses along bare skin till her lips reach near her ear.

 

“My pretty girl...”

 

And Lexa shivers at the words, emotions running high, and Clarke must sense it.

 

“You’re okay...” She sucks along the length of her neck.

 

Lexa is suddenly overwhelmed with the need to cry, but she swallows it down. The way Clarke touches her. Her body still recovering and Clarke moves light fingertips all along her body, like Lexa is the most fragile thing in the world - and she certainly feels as such.

 

  _She hates it._

 

_Clarke loves it._

 

And that’s Clarke’s high. Lexa’s figured that out two weeks ago when she came down from a high much like this and suddenly had to cling onto the blonde as if she’d completely crumble- no- shatter without her. Her fingers pressed deep, legs locked abruptly, and a slight gasp was sucked out from her lungs. The blonde drug just chuckled, relishing on the high and shushed the CEO with a nuzzle of her nose into the crook of her neck.

 

The sudden shift of the blonde, draws Lexa from her thoughts. She’s leaving and Lexa lets her ‘cause she needs to let her. 

 

* * *

 

“You look like shit.” 

 

Anya is sipping coffee in Lexa’s kitchen. She wasn’t ready for her cousin to just drop in on her.

 

“You too.”

 

Anya just snorts, “Seriously? What’s wrong with you?” When Lexa just glares up at her, Anya’s face drops, “Okay, you almost look as bad as when you were with Cos...,” Lexa stiffens, “Sorry. Are you okay?”

 

“Yes, Anya. Just tired from work and such.”

 

“Well you should take a break. Lincoln’s party is tonight.  It’ll be at Octavia’s. I’m sure he’d be happy to see you.”

 

“Shit... How’d I forget his birthday?”

 

“Hey, no one blames you. This year is tough. We know how your dad is and running the company, seriously Lexa. You’re doing so much. You should find someone to take over for a night...or longer. A break would do you good.

 

“Yeah... I’ll think about it.”

 

And she does.

 

* * *

 

Lexa decides to go to the party. It’s her cousin’s birthday, how could she not, but if she was going then that meant going to Octavia’s place, which is also Clarke’s place. If she was going to see Clarke she needed a plan. She’s been here before. The familiarity. She know what to do and how to do it. She just had to do it.

 

_Easier said than done._

 

An hour and twenty three minutes. That’s how long Lexa lasts before she’s getting her fix and left on the ground of Clarke’s bedroom; coming down alone. When she exits the bedroom she feels like the air isn’t enough so she steps out into the building hallway...

 

“Well, look who it is. Clarke’s new play thing.”

 

Bellamy is leaning back against the wall with hands in his pockets and a joint between his lips. He inhales deeply before pulling it and holding it out to Lexa, “Want a hit?”

 

Smoke flows out as he talks. Lexa shakes her head ‘no’ and he shrugs.

 

“Guess it wouldn’t do much now that you’re hooked on Princess,” his head rolls to the side to face her.

 

“I’m not you.”

 

He chuckles, “No? Mmm....k. Just leave, Lexa. And don’t look back. Clean break her. You’ll be better off.”

 

His face falls as they stare off at each other. He takes one more hit of his joint before putting it out on the bottom of his shoe, not caring for the cleanliness of the building floor. 

 

“She makes you feel needed. She needs _you._ But, it’s all just an act. She’s very manipulative that way. You don’t even realize what she’s done until you’re already hooked. One day she pulls back just a bit - just enough so you can see the truth - she doesn’t _need_ you at all... You need her.” He pauses with a sarcastic chuckle, a shake of his head with a smile that is anything, but happy,  “She does it on purpose. And she does it so well. She has that face, ya know, she knows how to use it to come off so innocent. She didn’t mean to do it, she didn’t know what she was doing, she thought you understood, but....no. She knows, Lexa. And I suggest you stop before you fall in too deep.” With that, he walks off leaving the girl to stand alone with her thoughts.

 

The thing is... She didn’t need him to tell her that. She already knew what the blonde was doing. . She’s been in this position before. _Costia_.  Her first designer drug. This is the familiarity. And that’s the problem. Lexa always views them as drugs made for her, but if she thought like a CEO... They’re people and they’re playing a game... 

 

 Costia played this game very well. She knew exactly what to do, what to say, how to say it, how to touch, how to bend and contort Lexa’s feelings for her.... But, if she’s being honest, Clarke might actually be better than her. And that’s scary.

 

This is different, though. With Costia, Lexa didn’t know the game, the rules, how to play...the back doors, the slip of the hand. Now.... Now she might just be a pro at it, which is good ‘cause Clarke Griffen, well, one could say she’s a master. Born to play. Blue eyes like that weren’t made just for seeing. 

 

The blonde laughs with her friends, eyes darting to the side, and sapphire burns bright into green.

 

So Lexa has an edge, but again, Clarke is a master, and with the looks she gives... It’s not a matter of what to do or how to play, but more of a.... Does Lexa even want to.... _‘Cause, God, does she just want to fully submit to the blonde’s abuse._ Better than Costia. A master. The anticipation. The heart pounding, horrifyingly scary, knowledge that Clarke Griffin is better, so easily better, and she doesn’t even have to try. 

 

She just has to touch her arm. Look at her with soft blue. Press pink lips against her’s. Clarke just has to make her feel and then all power is surrendered. 

 

_So she doesn’t. And that’s the plan..._

 

“Lexa...”

 

_When Clarke kisses her..._

 

The blonde pulls back with a studying face.

 

_When Clarke runs hands on the back of her neck, along her jawline...._

 

“Where are you?” She looks concerned and that confuses Lexa.

 

_She doesn’t feel._

 

She tilts her head, “Here. I-I’m...here, Clarke.”

 

There’s something different about tonight from Clarke’s side and she almost wants to question it, but that might make her lose her whole focus. So she doesn’t...

 

“No, you’re not. You’re here, but you’re not...here. Be here. With me.”

 

The blonde is pleading with soft eyes and Lexa sees through the act - and ignores the slight underlying genuinity of it all. When she views it as a game it doesn’t hurt as much. Clarke is playing the game and now Lexa is playing too, so she says...

 

“Okay...” and kisses the blonde with heat.

 

She feels Clarke frown into the kiss for a moment before she pushes back. Hands search for hips, but Lexa is quick and embodies the name ‘Commander’ that was once thrusted upon her. She pulls Clarke’s wrists away and pushes her back on the bed. 

 

Clarke leans up on her elbows and looks up at Lexa with concern, “Lexa.”

 

“Take off your clothes, Clarke,” a stoic face in place.

 

Clarke’s lips part, ready for argument, but forest green eyes remain unwavering, and the words never come as the blonde starts to pull her clothes off. 

 

“Lexa-“ the CEO claps a hand over her mouth and quickly settles over her as Clarke struggles to push agains the dominating girl.

 

“Shhhh... Tonight, I’m in charge, Clarke. You want me to be here with you.... You got me. Now, be the good little girl that you make everyone believe you are and _STAY. DOWN,_ ” she growls out and smirks when she feels Clarke huff and then shiver beneath her.

 

She sits up to pull off her shirt, wanting to at least feel upper body skin contact, and watches as blue eyes darken to stormy blue as they trail down her abs. Clarke swallows thickly in the midst of her slight heavy breathing. The air is still and Lexa takes one last look before diving down to connect their lips once more. When Clarke’s hands start to wander and Lexa feels a slight shift beneath her, she takes control before the blonde even tries to. The CEO pins Clarke’s hands above her head and ‘tsk’s her, breath grazing her ear, as Clarke thrusts her hips with a frustrated huff.

 

“Lexa,” her voice calls with slight anger.

 

Lexa sharply grasps Clarke’s jaw between her fingers and locks eyes with the defying girl, “What did I say? I’m in charge, Clarke. I told you to behave, but right now you’re really pushing it. Go against me again and there will be consequences and not the kind you’d enjoy. I _promise you_ that,” she pushes her head to the side as she lets go with Clarke snapping it back to lock eyes with her in challenge.

 

But Lexa’s already won. She’s got her right where she needs her. She holds her wrists with one hand still firmly in place as she leans down, the other hand snaking between their bodies. Lexa ghosts her lips over Clarke’s and when Clarke even moves a slight millimeter forward, Lexa pulls back just the same, never upping or downing the space between their lips. And Lexa keeps the stare down going as her hand slides lower, lightly touching around upper thighs and her lower abdomen. 

 

Then finally, Clarke lets out a slight gasp with the arch of her back - though her eyes never leave Lexa’s - Lexa’s finally given her a dose of her own drug. She can practically see surging blue be overturned with black as the high hits Clarke. When Lexa enters her bloodstream, ups the dosage, starts giving her higher hits, Clarke struggles to free her hands from Lexa’s, and is fighting to keep her eyes open. She’s  stubborn. She knew that. She’s used to being the addiction, the winning player, but now she’s gotten her first _REAL_ taste of Lexa Woods and Lexa can already feel how the tides have shifted...or see it in those stormy ocean eyes.

 

“Lexa!” A shout in the midst of her consuming high.

 

Lexa makes sure to feel every inch of her as the blonde’s head swims, her back arches, the press of her hips, the fight of her hands, the strain of her neck; Clarke won’t ever forget this. 

 

“Good girl,” a soft murmur against the trembling girl’s ear.

 

She releases her wrists and freed hands immediately cling onto her arms, back, and neck. A needy hold. Now the hard part, Lexa takes one last look. One last feel. Clarke’s panting, fingers shaking while they switch between grasping onto tan skin from above and gripping bedsheets from below for stability, and those sapphire eyes keep hiding behind fluttering eyelids. This is the come down and Lexa can’t help her through it. Not this time.

 

She shifts off of the blonde and blue eyes find her’s as she stands from the bed. _Fear._ Fear clouds blue and it’s another first. _And Lexa hates it._ But, she keeps her face stoic like it all means nothing and pulls her clothes on before exiting without a second look - but certainly too many thoughts.

 

So today she decides she's a smoker 'cause right now she’s being a lot of things she thought she wasn't anymore. As she walks out into the brisk night air, she pulls out a pack and lights up with white smoking between her lips. 

 

_And Lexa hates it._

 

_Because she loves it._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading. All the praise and comments are much appreciated, if any. Also know many of you are waiting on updates for my other stories and they're coming, I promise. Life is just happening and I need time. Xoxo!


	2. The Blue Relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa sees Clarke for who she really is.

_One fish,  
_ _Two fish..._

 

 _One pill,  
_ _Two pill,  
_ _Red pill,  
_ _Blue pill..._

 

Enraged. It’s all she could think of.

 

“Clarke, tell me the truth,” her mother was stern, demanding eyes, a firm grip on her arm.

 

She pulled her into the empty on-call room and cornered her. “The truth? If I tell you truth, you won’t believe me, so what’s the point!”

 

“Your mood has been off all day, there are unaccounted for prescriptions-,”

 

“I don’t have time for this,” and she tries to push past her, but her mother holds strongly onto her and blue eyes look up in disbelief. 

 

_A few weeks ago..._

 

_Another hospital gala. Another event to put on a fake smile and flirt with big donors’ to play the young, naive, prodigy surgeon. A sip of champagne. A glance to the left. A smile to the right. But, oh, that tailored suit, that chestnut hair, that confident aura of none other than..._

 

_“Hello, Dr. Griffin,” and that smirk._

 

_“Ms. Woods. How lovely of you to grace us with your presence,” still she finds herself faking a smile for the one person who...maybe she can regain control._

 

“Tell me, Clarke.”

 

_“Well, charity plays a big part in our company...,” small talk, a sip, a touch, and more small talk._

 

_Clarke carries it on, feeling out the CEO. It feels warm, she looks hot, “So, after this...when you go home to that big loft of your’s,” a touch along her suit-cladded arm, “will you be needing company,” and blue meets green._

 

“You really think I’m stupid enough to steal from the hospital I work at,” she growls out, “Drug test me, report me, whatever you’re going to do, just do it, but I’m not wasting my time trying to prove my innocence to you.”

 

_Lexa’s smirk fades a bit before picking back up with darting green eyes, “I’m afraid I already have plans to entertain someone else for the evening,” and Clarke’s smile falters, but she makes a practiced recover, “But, I’m sure someone such as yourself won’t have trouble finding company for the rest of the night. It was nice seeing you again, Clarke,” and with a curt nod she leaves._

 

_Clarke watches the CEO join a group. A model worthy girl wraps herself around Lexa’s arm and they smile at each other before continuing their group conversation._

 

Clarke yanks her arm from from Abby’s grip and storms out the room with her mother yelling out her name...

 

She’s not selfish - she a goddamn doctor - she finishes attending to her patience with a smile, because she really does care, and manages to avoid Abby for the rest of her shift. Why couldn’t her mom see? Why didn’t she recognize the signs, see the situation. 

 

Why?

Why!

  
... _why._

 

It’s nearly three in the morning when forceful knocks pull Lexa out of the comfort of her bed. Bare feet pitter-patter along the wooden flooring till she reaches the door and pulls it open. Her lips part at the sight of tossed, blonde hair and those sapphire eyes all dressed up in navy blue scrubs. Words aren’t fast enough. The blonde is faster as lips burn into her’s. Lexa finally finds control and pulls the blonde from her by her biceps.

 

“Clarke, what are you doing,” she breathlessly questions with searching eyes.

 

“Just tonight. Please. I need it,” and it’s not really in a begging tone, so much as it is in a detached, _broken_ one.

 

“We need to talk.”

 

Clarke pays no mind as Lexa follows her into the bedroom. A scrub top is pulled off as the blonde sits back on the bed, leaning back on her hands, feet on the ground. Blue eyes lock with green and a tilt of the head as Lexa stares down at her.

 

“I just had to tell an eight year old girl that her father died because they were both hit by some dumbass driver and her father was crushed by the impact while trying to shield her from the impact of the other car, and despite our ‘best efforts’ we could not save him. Her father. Her only parent. Her hero who died trying to protect her.... So, do you wanna keep talking or can you just. Give _me_. One. Night....”

 

It hurt. It physically hurt Lexa’s entire being just looking at the blonde before her right now. What was she- What was _ANYONE_ supposed to do in a situation like this... This was not part of the game.

 

_The rules don’t apply._

 

So Lexa moved forward. Leaned over. Kissed her hard till the blonde leaned back and they moved up the bed. Tonight was different. There was no challenge for control. Control was not even a topic of discussion in this wordless battle. This was like a temporary truce. Working as one towards a common goal. And when Lexa’s shirt was pulled off and their lips reconnected with desperation - like a moment apart meant they would suffocate - Lexa knew...

 

_This was the real Clarke._

 

Not Clarke the drug. Not Clarke the charmer, seducer, womanizer. 

Just Clarke.

And she was just Lexa. 

 

Her lips trembled over quivering ones from below. Hands roamed and griped and touched and felt. It wasn’t rushed, nor was it slow, but every inch was touched with thought behind it. They moved into each other’s bloodstream together and felt every second of the high. Right at the peak, Lexa whimpered into the blonde's neck and Clarke gasped out the CEO’s name with the sudden arch of her back from the mattress. 

 

The high hit hard...and for once it wasn’t fast. It lingered and then slowly faded. For once, neither felt empty or alone, but fully content - _and maybe more so_. It was a space that neither girl wanted to leave. Lexa was cautious with her movements on the come down - wanting to see if Clarke would take the lead on leaving or staying - but to her surprise, when she shifted off, Clarke rolled on her side and curled into Lexa’s body like it was home. She didn’t even hesitate to wrap her arms around her. Hold her tight. As if they actually belonged to one another...

 

A hushed curse, “Fuck...” Clarke pulls away and Lexa immediately feels a part of her threatening to break.

 

“Clarke?”

 

The blonde just shakes her head as she moves to sit at the edge of the bed, head falling into her hands with obvious conflict and frustration, “I can’t- I can’t stay... Damnit.”

 

Green eyes watch as she starts moving to pull on her clothes.

 

“Clarke,” she moves towards the edge, still watching the blonde, “You can stay. You don’t have to go. It’s okay-,”

 

“No, it’s _NOT_ ,” she snaps, but the CEO is unfazed.

 

“Why?”

 

Clarke just stares at her with bewilderment and then shakes her head as she grabs her shoes from the ground, “You don’t- I ca-,” a huff, “I have to go.”

 

Lexa moves quick to stand when Clarke turns to leave. A firm grip on a pale wrist leaves blue locking with green once more in the moonlight, “Why can’t you just answer me for once? Talk to me. You’re making this so much harder than it has to be.”

 

A beat... Then Clarke pulls away and Lexa follows her to the front door.

 

“Clarke,” she stops with a hand on the door, but doesn’t look up this time. Lexa keeps her voice strong with conviction, “If you leave... Don’t come back. Ever.”

 

The air stills. It _PHYSICALLY_ stills around the duo. Not a sound. Not even a floating speck of dust dares to take a breath. All Lexa sees is the slight whitening of already pales knuckles on the door knob... Aside from that, it feels as though the slightest foreign movement could shatter the whole universe. 

 

Correction:

_Their universe._

 

And then she was gone. And then the universe of Lexa and Clarke laid shattered at her feet. Green eyes stared. It took her a minute to realize time had not stopped. 

 

Clarke was new and exciting and different and familiar and...just a cover up.  

 

_Clarke...._

 

Clarke was broken.

Clarke was sad.

Clarke was a black hole that swallowed up anyone that fell into her gravitational pull.

 

Clarke was a romanticized tragedy.

 

* * *

 

 

 _One fish,  
_ _Two fish._

 _Old fish,  
_ _New fish._

 

 _Red pill,  
_ _Blue pill._

 _Yellow pill,  
_ _Green...._

 

_Green._

 

Clarke never meant to fall back into this, but she couldn’t stop it. She was clean. Her mom got it wrong. She saw that father and daughter come in. The father dying. The little girl crying. It’s like we was watching a rerun of her life and she just kind of...froze. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t... Her mom got it wrong. She was clean...

 

Or maybe not so much. She replaced one addiction for another and Lexa had some how become her pure heroin. The night she took control...no one’s ever made her feel like that before. It scared the hell out of her. Because after that night she couldn’t get her again. For once, someone had said ‘no’ to her. Turned her away. She wanted her so badly and she couldn’t have her. 

 

Then she got her again. Had her in best way. All she wanted was Lexa, but Lexa needed more than what she could give. She couldn’t give up that side of her, mainly because she couldn’t face that side of her... Go down to the basement of her mind unlock that dark side of her past, and drag her back up into the light. 

 

She couldn’t do it.

 

So she had to leave. She stayed busy for a month, but it’s all gotten a bit too much, and it’s finally setting it. She’s realizing Lexa’s, “ _Ever,”_ really meant ‘Forever’. 

 

_And it hurts. So. Damn. Much._

 

So now she’s exactly what her mother wrongly accused her of last month. Look at the prodigy surgeon now, a relapsed addict. _Once an addict, always an addict._ So she guesses, she’ll just be an addict. She was tired of seeing the CEO with anyone, but her. Tired of her past coming back to haunt her. She was just...tired.

 

_Fuck, she was tired._

 

The hit was hard. They high was mild, but it got the job done. She knows nothing will ever hit like the high Lexa gives her... So, she realizes a little too late. The point is, it’s too late. Too late for more things than one...

 

Clarke’s an addict. Addicted to forgetting the past. Addicted to erasing her problems. Addicted to numbing all the sadness in her body. Nothing exists when she’s got the feeling of ecstasy running through her veins. All that matters is living in the moment. 

 

And in this moment...

 

_“Look. Lexa Woods is here,” - “Who’s the girl she’s with,” - “I’m prettier than her,” - “She could do better..”_

 

All that matters...

 

_He says she’s stunning. He’s smart. He’s funny. His teeth are straight. His touches come, only when granted permission._

 

Is feeling anything...

 

_She smiles while the girl talks. Her eyes are focused. Her touches are daring and nearing the edge of too dirty for public display, but still discrete enough for such public display._

 

Anything, than what she’s feeling....

 

_He takes her hand. She takes her hand. A slight brush of the arm. An innocent pass along their own paths. The slight glance back. A head turned back. Green meets blue._

 

Right now....

 

_Steps slow. The smiles fade. A slight hesitation.... A thought of a ‘maybe’.... But her feet pick back up and green disappears. And blue fades dim as a forced smile spreads back at him. They continue on their way._

 

One pill... Two pill...

 

 _He’s kissing down her neck,  
_ _and she’s smiling in bliss.  
_ _Nothing really matters,  
_ _when she’s floating like this.  
_ _And nothing really exists,_

 

When she’s high like this....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It'll get better. It'll end happy.


	3. The One Where Lexa Saves Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke work towards building a healthy relationship. Clarke realizes what Home really feels like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left after this.

Green. Green Green. Whenever her eyes close she just sees green. The sea, no. She’s surrounded by a forest of green. It wraps around and swallows her whole... And she likes it. It feels like home, but not quite... _home._

 

“Clarke!”

 

The blonde just smiles at the sound of the girl’s urgent voice - because she likes her voice - even if it’s a bit too loud for comfort right now...

 

“Clarke, open your eyes,” the voice commands.

 

Clarke frowns at the hands that are grasping her face and lazily pushes them away with a groan. The voice grows more annoyed and hands keep fighting against her until blue eyes dimly gaze through tired eyelids.

 

“Lexaaahh,” she smiles.

 

“I did not sign up for this,” the CEO mumbles before dropping the blonde back on the bed.

 

“Fucks sakes, I thought you died, Clarke!” - “We were about to call Abby!” Both Octavia and Raven rant on, but all Clarke can focus on is Lexa, who’s just staring down at her with...disappointment.

 

_And Clarke has never felt more disgusted with herself than she does in that moment._

 

Lexa grabs her keys off the dresser and starts walking towards the exit and Clarke doesn’t even hesitate to stumble off the bed - somewhat falling with a hand pushing on the ground to steady herself up - push past her life-long friends, and make a grab for Lexa’s arm, “Lexa, wait.”

 

“Clarke, please stop. I don’t want to talk to you when you’re like this.”

 

“Then talk to me tomorrow,” hard green blinks and Clarke's head is spinning, “When I’m sober.”

 

“Can you even do that at this point?”

 

If Clarke’s being honest, that was like a verbal slap to the face and she can’t help, but flinch at the brash words. Somehow, she manages to regain her composure - maybe it’s the drugs - nonetheless, “I can when you’re enough.”

 

Lexa’s face physically softens at the confession, giving the blonde more courage, “Lexa, you’re enough. Please, let me prove it. Tomorrow, can we meet for coffee?”

 

Clarke’s never felt so nervous about being rejected. Her heart has never pounded harder against her chest and she’s a bit paranoid that Lexa might be able to hear it.... The CEO’s jaw flexes sharp and strong with a tight swallow. A moment passes, but then...

 

“Eight, sharp. I have some time,” Clarke starts to smile, but Lexa cuts her off, “But if you’re late or high, don’t even bother.”

 

And to Raven and Octavia’s surprise, Clarke follows the rules to a ’T’ the next morning. Her hands shake and she’s a little pale with tousled hair, but Clarke makes it. She doesn’t just make it, though, she’s claimed a table with hot coffee in hand just before the busy CEO even walks through the door of the shop. At first, Lexa doesn’t even see the blonde. She orders her coffee just after an older gentleman, waits by the pick up station, then grabs an empty table....right...next...to Clarke....and sits. 

 

Blue eyes twinkle with amusement as they side eye the brunette with a sip of her coffee..., “I’d ask who stood you up, but I can’t imagine who would do such a thing to a woman like you,” a smirk as green eyes widen at her voice.

 

“Well...I have been known to be quite intimidating,” Lexa moves over to her table, “Clarke, how long have you been here.”

 

“Don’t worry, just long enough to watch you walk in and completely assume that I wouldn’t show - though I don’t blame you. It was entertaining, at least.”

 

Lexa ducks her head a bit as she tries to hide the small smile that crosses her lips, but it dies when her mind refocuses. Eyes lock with ocean blue, shining in the morning light coming in from the coffee shop window. Lexa’s cautious. She won’t give in - _because she’s been through this before_ \- it’s always a relief at first, but it never lasts. Still she has hope for Clarke. 

 

The blonde tilts her head with a smile. Tired eyes, but no signs of anything in her system, and if anything, it’s just signs of substances leaving the young surgeon’s body. Pale complexion, her hands shift over her coffee cup with shaky fingers, her smile is genuine, but Lexa can see the slight pain behind it. Again it’s relief, but she’s not sure how real it is...

 

But Clarke is:  
~~Exciting and new~~  
~~Sad and broken  
~~Smiling in front of her in a coffee shop on a Thursday morning, reveling in the presence of Lexa instead of the high of RX drugs...

 

_Because Lexa is enough for her._

 

“You’re clean,” a blunt statement that just sort of tumbles out of Lexa’s mouth before she can stop herself, but Clarke just laughs with a nod of her head.

 

“Yeah. I meant what I said, Lexa... And being a doctor, I know it’ll take more than one morning coffee meet up to prove that to you, but I-...,” she turns her cup in hand with nervousness before her next confession, “I’ve never felt like this about anyone before,” blue holds onto green with such conviction it nearly leaves Lexa breathless, “In a way, being with you is a high in it’s self and that’s not healthy either. Swapping one addiction for another. I need time and I understand if you don’t want to give that to me, bu-,” a hand over Clarke’s stops her mid-sentence.

 

“We can go slow. I’m in no rush, Clarke. You letting me in like this already proves more to me than you know, so we can go at your pace, but you can’t shut me out anymore. I know it’s hard and- you’re not the only one that’s been...,” the words get caught in mouth at the thought of admittance, “-that’s been more the _playing_ type than the commitment type.”

 

And Clarke understands. A squeeze of her hand on the tanner one gives reassurance.

 

“I know it’s only the first day, but how are you feeling?”

 

The blonde sighs, though more in relief that the hard part is over, “Not going to lie, it’s...frustrating, but I want you more than I want that, so it’s fine. I’ve been through this before, so I know what to expect and how to coup.”

 

“Doesn’t make it any easier.”

 

“No, that’s true, but the reward this time is more motivating,” a sly smile.

 

“Is that what I am? A reward, Clarke,” and her tone drops right at the mention of the surgeon’s name with a strong click of the ‘k’ that makes the other girl shudder.

 

For the sake of control, Clarke pulls her hands from Lexa’s with an apologetic smile. She changes the subject and Lexa lets her with understanding, “Um, when can we meet up again?”

 

Green eyes glance down at her silver Rolex for the time, work slowly creeping up in the back of her mind, “How does dinner Sunday night sound? I recall, you usually end your shift Saturday night. Has it changed.”

 

Clarke’s mind stutters, “Uh- n-no. Yeah. That works, but I don’t thin-,”

 

Lexa already know what she’s thinking, “I’ll make a reservation somewhere. I’ll let you know where and when so you can meet me there and then we can go our separate ways.”

 

The surgeon still isn’t used to Lexa’s new authoritative, business demeanor. She seems to always be slipping back into her CEO title and Clarke wonders just how much Lexa actually gets to breathe outside of her job...

 

“Okay. So I guess I’ll talk to you soon?” 

 

Blue eyes follow as Lexa stands smoothly, straightening her blazer as she checks her phone before looking back at her. She seems like she’s always in such a hurry until she looks at Clarke. Then every thing stops.

 

“If you need anything, please, don’t hesitate to call or text me, Clarke. Your wellbeing matters to me.”

 

“Thank you, Lexa.” 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa spends her time leading up to dinner with Clarke....thinking about Clarke. She’s lost count how many times she written out a text asking how Clarke was, only to erase it a moment later. She keeps busy by taking on more work till she’s so ahead of the game, she could take a week off and the company would practically run it’s self. It’s a bit maddening, overall, but she pulls through. 

 

She compulsively checks her watch and straightens out her white button-up as she waits for Clarke to arrive. It’s only been three minutes and she’s a bit early, but time seems to be so teasingly slow as of late. 

 

“Hello, Ms. Woods.”

 

Finally, those burning sapphire eyes make an appearance and adrenaline shoots through Lexa’s veins.

 

“Dr. Griffin, you look...,” she’s at a loss for words.

 

Clarke quirks an amused brow as she takes her seat, “Like I’m not on the verge of turning into a zombie.”

 

A chuckle, “I was going to say stunning.”

 

“Ah, well...that would be much more acceptable,” a smile.

 

_God, has Lexa missed that smile._

 

“How was work?” An innocent question.

 

“Oh, I took these past few days off, so I could take care of myself.”

 

“Oh. I should have guessed.”

 

Clarke waves a dismissive hand, “No worries. I just had to make a few changes to my life if I’m going to actually _change._ After detox, I moved into my own place.”

 

The brunette’s brows raise in surprise as the waiter sets down their food. It’s a pre-fixed four course meal, so they don’t even have to order. She thought it’d be better this way, so they could focus more on talking. Apparently, Clarke didn’t realize just how “fancy” this dinner was.

 

“Lexa, how much did you pay for this,” her eyes widen with realization.

 

“Money is of no object to me, Clarke. Your withdraw was that fast? And how did Raven and Octavia take that? Does your mom know?”

 

“Whoah. Okay, first, I know you’re like a billionaire now-,” - “Not even, Clarke-,” - “That doesn’t mean I want you paying for a seven hundred dollar dinner. Secondly, they’re fine. It’s mostly Raven I had to do the making up to. Her mother is an addict and I’m thankful our friendship has survived my selfishness. I literally told my mom I was taking time off so I could move into my own place and she was happy. Thirdly, what I was on isn’t as hard as the other substances, so it was just one agonizing day and then the next day I spent recovering my energy and getting back on track with eating. Murphy helped me out a lot. He also has experience dealing with addicts, so.... ”

 

Lexa nods as she processes the information, “Well, a celebration calls for a seven hundred dollar dinner, sometimes. I promise the next meal won’t be so costly,” a soft smile.

 

 _Real.  
_ _Real. Real. Real.  
_ _It felt real.  
_ _It looked real._

 

And as time went on, Lexa finally started believing it was real. Lexa was the too young, but intimidatingly good, CEO. Clarke was the too young, talented, surgeon prodigy. Both did their jobs and they did them exceedingly well. Lexa graced media covers and grew into a public figure - not to mention, a slowly sought after, young, attractive, bachelorette. And Clarke was written into MED articles after articles as her surgical skills advanced and she started working on medical research in the little free time she had. 

 

The two always managed to set aside time to meet up some place, whether for a full meal, or just drinks (non-alcoholic), but they never set foot in one another’s living space. They were moving at Clarke’s pace and Lexa respected that, but at times it could be frustrating. Especially, when the blonde would tease her with a look, a bite of her lip, a light touch...

 

_Deep breathes, Lexa..._

 

Smiles soon became hugs, soon lingering touches, eventually became the lightest kiss goodbye. Lips brushed slowly against one another with bated breathes and fluttering eyes. Lexa can’t help how quickly she’s already falling into the blonde, so she’s thankful that Clarke is strong enough to pull away first, if at all. Another goodnight. 

 

A few more weeks pass and Lexa notices how more lively Clarke seems - aside from work exhaustion - even Raven and Octavia can’t help, but smile brightly at her during one of their nightly group gatherings. Tonight, Bellamy and Echo are hosting. Across the room, Lexa catches a glance from a smiling Murphy - or at least, what is considered smiling for him - and he gives a slight nod with a raise of his short whiskey glass. She does the same in return before finding Clarke, once more.

 

They didn’t come together, but everyone’s been dancing around how only Lexa could be held responsible for Clarke’s upward-turn-around. 

 

_And they’re thankful._

 

If Lexa thought Clarke was the life of the party before, well....now... She truly was a sight to behold. She radiates, exudes bright energy with every smile, laugh, and joke. Clarke is the sun and she’s shining right at Lexa. She holds out a hand and wiggles her fingers a bit with a smile while their friends laugh and watch. Who is Lexa to deny such a girl. She’s quick to join them, taking Clarke’s hand, and subtly shifting by her to slide a hand along Clarke’s lower back and settle near her hip. It’s comfortable and natural as they converse with their friends.

 

For the most part, the night is light and fun, but Lexa still remains cautious. She’s a CEO, who must be sharp and observant, so she doesn’t miss the glances thrown in Clarke’s direction by Bellamy. He’s moved on with Echo, but she knows he’s not completely over Clarke.

 

_No one ever just gets over Clarke Griffin._

 

So she watches. Clarke excuses herself with a peck on Lexa’s cheek and heads to the bathroom. She falls into conversation with Lincoln about a company retreat for later this year. He wants to rent out a few cabins and go zip-lining, hiking, rock climbing, and rafting. Anya tells him to stop using work as an excuse for his own pleasure and it’s amusing. 

 

Forest green are drawn away, however, when Bellamy quietly moves from Echo and just happens to catch Clarke just as she exits the bathroom. She smiles at him and his voice stays low, looks stay soft, but serious as a few words are exchanged. Clarke’s brows push together with what seems to be a sad, apologetic expression as she shakes her head rubs her forehead with her hand. He leans in further, speaking a little more quickly, and Lexa swears she hears a faint ‘no’ as Clarke drops her hand and looks hard at him. He looks frustratedly confused and speaks again, but Clarke cuts him off. Whatever she says, it’s exasperated with strong hand gestures and then...

 

She pauses.

 

And he pauses.

 

A moment.

 

Then she breathes out a word, almost like she’s found relief, and a soft smile spreads across her lips as sapphire eyes glance over and find green. Lexa loses her breath a bit. Neither girl notice how Bellamy has followed Clarke’s gaze and looks between the two before quietly excusing himself. Lexa just stares as Clarke starts walking towards her like she’s just found the answer - her - to a life long question. It takes her a second to move. 

 

Suddenly, hands are grasping her face and smiling lips are pressing deeply into her’s as their friends erupt into stupid cheering. It takes Lexa a second, but then she’s smiling and kissing back hard, as well, with hands griping the blonde’s hips.

 

They didn’t arrive together, but Clarke’s decided it’s okay to leave together...and go back to Lexa’s place together. It’s very hard for Lexa to keep her hands to herself right now when Clarke’s basically claimed her in front of all their friends tonight - _when Clarke is wearing such a fitting dress and kissing her so deeply right now._

 

**_It’s very hard._ **

 

Tonight, the CEO dressed relaxed and pulls her stone washed, black, tee over her head in one swift movement before diving forward back into their heated kiss, only Clarke stops her with a breathy, “Wait,” and a light hand on her partially bare chest.

 

Their pupils are blown and Lexa’s heavy breathing is only helping with flexing her toned stomach just as stormy blue eyes fall onto them,

 

“Fuck... Why’re you so ripped,” and Lexa would laugh if she wasn’t so seriously turned on right now.

 

“You want to stop?”

 

“Yes- no! Uh...,” Clarke turns away from the brunette’s somewhat bare body and takes a breath, “Of course I want you,” she turns back to her, “God, I want you so badly...,” 

 

“I want you too, Clarke.”

 

“But not like this. I want... I need you to know everything before we go any farther. I need to know you want me fully for who I really am.”

 

Lexa nods with understanding, “Okay... Do you want to talk? Or I can wait.”

 

Clarke hands Lexa her shirt and she pulls it back on, “I don’t want to keep you waiting for much longer, I’m just trying to find the nerve to say what I need to say.”

 

The brunette brushes Clarke’s cheek with a thumb before holding her jaw up to lock eyes, “I’m not gonna run, Clarke. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

 

She smiles, “I know. You’re too good to me. It’s just- I’ve never- really- I haven’t talked about this with really anyone since it happened... I’m just scared, I guess. It’s stupid.”

 

“It’s not, but maybe it’s time you talked about it?”

 

Clarke nods, “Yeah, but can we do it tomorrow? I just want to sleep with you tonight. Can we do that?”

 

Lexa smiles, “Anything, Clarke.”

 

Clarke changes into more sleep worthy clothes, but Lexa opts to stay in her own clothes for the night. They get situated in bed and Lexa pulls Clarke close, her back to her front, with strong arms. And in that night, even if Lexa doesn’t fully know Clarke’s story yet, she does know that:

 

Yes, Clarke was exciting and new and different and lost and broken and sad. Yes, Clarke was so many things that brightened the world and darkened the darkest nights, but what Lexa’s finally come to realize is that Clarke is so much more than just that, in her life. She’s brought back all the piece of her that she initially took and made a space of her own in Lexa’s heart. Clarke is....

 

 _Clarke is,_ “Special,” a mumbled breath fades into golden locks as sleep finds her.

 

And Clarke falls into her own realization that night. This is what she’s always wanted; needed. When Bellamy asked her what was so different, why it wasn’t him, why was she now ready to commit... There was only one answer. 

 

_Lexa._

 

Lexa. She was there. She was strong. She said ‘no’ when Clarke needed it and knew when to stay. She didn’t push into her life, but knew how to draw Clarke out. Most of all, she gave Clarke a chance to prove herself and she trusted her. Not even her mother could give her that, despite all the ‘I love you’s. And Bellamy just doesn’t stop. He pushes and pushes and begs and pleads....

 

_“You’re not her! You’re not...Lexa.”_

 

It had taken her by surprise; her whole body shook, but then she looked at those forest green eyes.

 

_“Because I love her...”_

 

And now, with arms wrapped so securely around her, she knows.

 

_THIS its what home really feels like._


	4. The Come Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stories of Clarke and Lexa. Chapter contains mild description of violence, death, and substance abuse.

It’s weird how far they’ve come. Familiar, yet different. Lexa wakes up to an empty bed. Maybe it was all a dream...or a horrible nightmare - though, that never actually crosses her mind. She pulls off her clothes from the night before and just pulls on loose, mesh shorts, and a black sports bra. Familiar, yet different. She knows. 

 

She walks out her room only to find Clarke in an oversized t-shirt - Lexa borrowed from Lincoln and never returned - hovering over the stove with a spatula in hand. And now the dream theory crosses Lexa’s mind as she smiles warmly and walks up behind the blonde. Hands slide around curvy hips and the blonde leans back into her with a hum and a smile. Lexa can’t help, but burry her face into the crook of Clarke’s neck and kiss into stray locks of blonde and warm skin. 

 

They mumble, “good morning,” to each other as Lexa’s hands stray lower the bare skin of Clarke’s upper thighs. Clarke is making french toast - it’s something she did a lot when her mom was on-call when she was younger. The morning is easy and slow and full of smiles and laughter, flirting, small touches, and ducking blushes. They know later it’ll be much different...

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes, Lexa-,”

 

“Because we can wait-,”

 

“No! No more waiting. I just- I want to do this. I want you to know and I want to be with you, so...,” the blonde’s eyes darken.

 

Lexa nods, “Okay, Clarke.”

 

The two are sat on the couch, sitting sideways, feet up on the couch, facing each other. Lexa leans her head against the back of the couch, while looking at the blonde, full attention given, and ready to listen. Clarke is sitting criss-crossed and takes a breath, mentally preparing herself while playing with her own hands in her lap. She’s nervous, but Lexa is patient.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Clarke! Clarke, what’s wrong? What happened?”_

 

_The blonde is leaning against a tree - their tree - in the park. Tear streaks shine down her face in the moonlight as she turns to her friend with arms wrapped around herself and she smiles, almost laughs, but it’s more of a sob..._

 

_“Wells... He’s gone.”_

 

_The boy finally reaches his best friend. Worry and fear consumes his face and mind as grabs onto Clarke’s biceps with a cautious touch, “Who? Clarke, what’re you-,”_

 

_“My dad! He’s dead,” and she sobs as she hides her face into his chest for comfort._

 

_The dark skinned boy is in shock, but he holds her and gives her the comfort she needs. There’s so many - too many - questions, but he can’t bring himself to ask them. Instead he speaks softly and mumbles comforting words to his best friend. He holds her tightly and both ignore how Clarke’s phone keeps vibrating in her jacket pocket..._

 

_“WHAT’RE YOU DOING?”_

 

_The voice is loud and abrupt as it pulls Clarke and Wells apart. Clarke’s eyes widen, “Finn.”_

 

_The shaggy hair boy looks between the two as he approaches. His face hardens when he sees the tears on Clarke’s face and Clarke tries to speak, but her words get stuck and stutter out._

 

_“What happened? What did you do!” He directs towards the other boy._

 

_“F-Finn. No! He was ju-,” - “Hey, Finn. I was just helping. I was-,” their voices grow frantic as Finn advances._

 

_Clarke had texted him, but didn’t say much - because she couldn’t, he wasn’t the right person - and left him hanging. She needed her best friend. The boy she grew up with and was practically family and knew her father personally. She needed her brother not her boyfriend. But Finn loved Clarke. He loved her with overwhelming passion and was over protective. Tonight, was the worst night for Finn to finally reach the last resort of phone tracking._

 

_“Finn!”_

 

_His fists connects with Wells and the boy’s head snaps to the side as she stumbles back. The shaggy haired boy’s eyes are wide with a manic expression. Wells comes back with his own punch and Clarke starts yelling at the two as they start hitting and wrestling each other._

 

 _The moment that changes everything. The moment that sets Clarke down her emotional-numbing, destructive path, is the moment Wells gains the upper hand and shoves Finn back against_ **_their_ ** _tree. It’s the moment that Finn feels cornered and resorts to another ‘last resort’ as Wells hits him and Finn pushes him back before pulling out a hand gun he stole from his absent father’s drawer in his study and pulls the trigger. It’s the moment that silents everything with a deafening ‘bang’._

 

_The yelling stops. The punches cease. The crickets silence. The air stills. Three pairs of eyes drop to Wells’ chest where a small spot of blood starts to seep through his white tee. When Wells falls to the ground, Clarke’s first instinct is to help him, run to his side and try to stop the bleeding, but Finn moves quickly to grab her._

 

_“Clarke, no. No! We have to go!.”_

 

_And she pushes against him and fights him with more tears, “No. No... No! Get off! Finn!”_

 

_“No! Clarke, PLEASE!”_

 

_It isn’t right. Wells is trying to breathe, but can’t and Finn is pulling her back and she’s crying and fighting. Finn picks her up and turns around and when her feet touch the ground she manages to turn back around. He grabs her face hard and kisses her hard._

 

_“I love you, Clarke. Please! Let me take care of you,” a trembling plea._

 

_His voice rasps with hard desperation, and his face is begging with a look so innocent._

 

**_Too innocent._ **

 

_That worries Clarke further. He has no idea, hasn’t grasped the concept of what he’s actually done. It’s as if he doesn’t even feel the weight of the gun in his hand as tears stream down his face and the barrel digs sideways into Clarke’s temple._

 

_“I love you.”_

 

_And she does. She loves the real Finn. The happy kind Finn. But this was not him. She kisses him and feels the air leave his lungs as his jaw goes slack._

 

_“Clarke,” he breathes out in confusion as she pulls away._

 

_Clarke’s father was a good man who wanted his daughter to be safe, so he gave her an army knife for protection. It’s kind of ironic how this whole night has gone through a loop. She cries as she pulls her knife out of her boyfriend’s abdomen. The gun drops. He falls to his knees...and then to the ground. A second later, Clarke is putting pressure on Wells’ chest while calling ‘9-1-1’_

 

_No one was supposed to die and somehow one death lead to Clarke having the blood of two others on her hands._

 

* * *

 

Clarke’s voice trembles with a tear stained face _,_ “He killed him, Lexa. He wouldn’t stop. I had to, Lexa. I had to,” her voice grows more frantic as she tries to convince Lexa - tries to convince herself - that she had no other choice.

 

“Clarke. Hey, I know. I believe you. Shhh,” Lexa holds her tight as she cries.

 

The CEO kisses the top of her head and whispers comforting words.

 

“He wasn’t well, Clarke. You did what you had to do. He would have only gotten worse and did everything you could for Wells.”

 

“They weren’t supposed to die,” her voice is soft, “They got too late to Wells... Finn... I didn’t even hit anything major. I didn’t do it to kill him. I just need him to stop, to let me help my best friend I just- he just died. I don’t get it.”

 

“Some things just happen for some unknown reason and that’s the worst explanation, but it’s all we have... This wasn’t your fault though, Clarke. It’s okay to live life and move on and that doesn’t mean forget about them, but just be at peace with it...”

 

She knows Lexa’s right. From the time she’s met Lexa, she’s realized that the CEO has a great ability for seeing things for how they are - separating fact from emotion...head from heart. People have told these things before, that it wasn’t her fault, Finn was mentally ill, etc., but the way Lexa explains it...it’s different. For the first time, viewing things from this perspective...it feels like closure.

 

The blonde is tired and eventually falls asleep. Ironically, today is gloomy and constantly teetering between drizzling and straight up raining. Seems fitting. Clarke eventually wakes being cuddled by Lexa as she watches some show off of Netflix. She lets out a breath of content, causing Lexa’s resting fingers to graze bare skin beneath her shirt. A slight pull and Lexa is pressing a kiss to the back of her head before shifting.

 

“Sleep okay?”

 

An innocent question. 

 

“Uh, yeah. Sorry.”

 

“Don’t be. It’s fine. I would’ve passed out too if... Are you hungry?”

 

“What time is it,” Clarke sits up and grabs her phone of the table in front of them.

 

“Almost five. I was thinking pizza. I’m too lazy to use silverware tonight,” a slight smirk and Clarke laughs softly with a smile as their eyes lock.

 

Lexa gets up to grab her phone and orders food, leaving Clarke to her thoughts. It’s weird, being able to breathe without the looming anxiety, this heavy weight sitting on her chest, the secrets and guilt she used to carry from everyone. It’s out now. Just to Lexa, but Lexa is kind of everything right now, so...the world. Sapphire eyes glance over at the brunette next to her as she types away on her phone. A small smile starts to spread against full lips...

 

“You’re staring,” and then forest green look up with amusement.

 

Clarke doesn’t even flinch. A moment passes and just as Lexa is about to question her, Clarke leans over and kisses her. She kisses hard and slow; wanting to feel every being of Lexa against her lips. The brunette shifts, dropping her phone and grips Clarke’s hips as she moves on top of her. Their bodies grow heated when Clarke starts grinding down and Lexa starts kissing and nipping across the column of her neck.

 

It’s so different. So intimate. Clarke’s hand starts to tremble with a glance down as she lifts fingers from Lexa’s shoulder. Her whole body is vibrating in the most amazing way. Her skin is burning with each touch and it’s...overwhelming.

 

“Lex- Lexa-ah,” a pant, a breath, a slight tremble of her voice.

 

Lexa just hums as her hands skim over a bare ribcage. She tilts her head back up to kiss Clarke once more, but the air has shifted and green eyes appear. Clarke isn’t looking at her - or much at anything really - she looks like she’s just trying to breathe.

 

“Clarke? Hey, breathe,” she holds the blonde’s head gently between her hands, “Look at me, Clarke. It’s okay.”

 

Lexa’s eyes are mesmerizing with dilating pupils and shifting trees of different shades of green. 

 

“You. Are. Here. You. Are. Okay.”

 

It takes a second, but Lexa keeps her steady and blue never leaves green... Clarke softens.

 

“Sorry, I just- I liked it. I wanted it- you. I... It’s just...”

 

“A lot for one day?” 

 

Lexa understands. Lexa is patient. Lexa seems experienced. Lexa has a story that she hasn’t told yet...

 

“Yeah...,” a breath.

 

“It’s okay. We have time,” a smile.

 

With that, there’s a buzz. 

 

“Pizza’s here,” and she kisses Clarke’s cheek before getting up to retrieve the food.

 

They eat dinner while watching some comedy on Netflix and fall into a comfortable space. The conversation is light when words are spoken. At some point, Lexa makes a comment about the movie, but when Clarke looks at her to reply, all she sees is pizza sauce on the corner of her mouth and laughs a bit.

 

“Why’re you so good a this?”

 

The question and tone of voice catches Lexa off guard. They just finished eating a little while ago and had settled back on the couch, laying into each other again.

 

“Good at what?”

 

“ _This_. You knew what to say. You knew how to handle me. You knew how to handle me before you even met me.”

 

Full lips part at a loss for words as Lexa pulls back to face Clarke, who’s just staring at her.

 

“You’ve done this before,” and it’s not a question. 

 

“So we’re doing everything today.”

 

“I’m not pushing you. You gave me time, but it’s just something that’s been on my mind. You don’t have to, though.” 

 

Lexa turns the tv off and takes a breath before looking back at her.

 

“It’s fine. I just didn’t want to overwhelm you.” 

 

“I want to know you, Lexa.”

 

She smiles at the words, “I haven’t done this before, exactly. It’s more like, this is what I should’ve done the first time...,” a swallow, “I knew a girl.”

 

_“Hey, stud,” a playful smile._

 

_“Costia. Hi,” the brunette breathes out._

 

“She didn’t have the best life growing up, but she always seemed so happy and cheerful. She was beautiful, honestly.”

 

_“Do I make you nervous,” the girl whispers against full lips._

_Lexa just gives a slight nod._

 

_“Good,” and then she kisses her._

 

“She was the first girl I loved. Everyone seemed so mesmerized by her, so I couldn’t understand why she wanted me,” a smile, “But, she did. It was good for awhile. We started talking about going to college together and all that stuff high school sweethearts do...”

 

Clarke already doesn’t like where this is going, but she listens quietly...

 

“Senior year, there’s a lot of parties and of course, that’s what you do senior year... But, then she started doing more than that.”

 

_“Come on, babe,” Costia smiles and tries to pull Lexa into a kiss, but Lexa pushes her away._

 

_“No, Cos. You’re trashed and I don’t want to do this right now.”_

 

_“Trashed? You always want to stay in! You’re so boring-,”_

 

_“Do you hear yourself!?”_

 

_The two fight on till Costia finally storms out the house with a slam of the door._

 

“I was angry and hurt and I didn’t know how to handle it. I just wanted her to stop, but instead I yelled at her and basically said I didn’t want to be with her. I knew her life was rough, but I did nothing to help.”

 

_Young Lexa frantically calls multiple of her friends before driving over to Costia’s apartment. The area isn’t so appealing and the door is unlock when she gets there. The home is empty and she heads straight to Costia’s bedroom door, calling out her name before knocking...then pounding on the door..._

 

_“Costia! Costia, please. Open the door, Costia!”_

 

_She starts ramming the door with her shoulder till it snaps open. The sight stuns Lexa..._

 

“She had a drug problem. It runs in her family. I found her a few weeks before graduation.”

 

Clarke’s chest hurts. It hurts for Lexa and it hurts for the sheer fact that...that could have been her. Lexa, Octavia, Raven,...Murphy... So many people could have found her just... 

 

It’s a hard realization.

 

“Lexa...”

 

“It’s okay. I’ve come to terms with it. So many people knew and could have did something to help her, but I don’t think anyone really knew how to... The thing that scared me, was when I first met you, when I saw how you lit up the room and everyone around you....you reminded me so much of her. It felt like deja vu. But, you are your own person and you are so beautiful, Clarke. I hated how fast I fell for you because I knew what was going to happen. Watching you do what you did scared the hell out of me because I didn’t want to go through that again; I didn’t want to lose you too.”

 

“But, you saved me, Lexa,” a soft hand lifts Lexa’s head to meet sapphire blue.

 

Lexa grabs her hand and holds it in hers, “I only did what I should’ve done before. I offered support, patience, a safe place, and love. You chose to save yourself, Clarke. And I’m so glad you did.”

 

Again, Clarke is overwhelmed, but it’s with love. The tears come. The tremors start, but this time Clarke can breathe. She pulls Lexa into a needy kiss. She needs to feel that this is real. Lexa is real. She’s here. She’s staying. And she feels it’s all true when Lexa kisses back with heat and conviction.

 

This isn’t just a temporary high; a short injection of ecstasy. This is what giving yourself to someone is supposed to feel like. This is what building a relationship is all about. This is what being open and bare for someone, willingly, is like. This is love. This is...

 

**_The Come Down._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading guys! All comments, feedback, kudos, are much appreciated!


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